The Ladies' Man
by Saya Moonshadow
Summary: Oh look, the only sane chick in this hellhole! Surely she's your soulmate, right? Or perhaps not, especially when you get to see what her type is...


**Because the plot bunnies demanded it. And also because it was ridiculously fun to write. Hell yeah.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**Fairy Tail**_**. All I really own is the nameless protagonist. **_**Fairy Tail**_** and all related stuff is property of the esteemed Mr. Hiro Mashima!**

**The Ladies' Man  
By: Saya Moonshadow**

They weren't kidding when they said that these Fairy Tail chicks were hot stuff.

Even if Fairy Tail is now only a shell of its former glory, it still deserves its reputation for having some of the most beautiful women you've ever seen, hands down. Seriously, some of these girls could qualify for Miss Fiore and probably win with minimal effort. It's ridiculous how not a one of them is anything less than utterly desirable.

You're not really a picky guy. You've been with probably more than your fair share of girls in your life, and some of them couldn't be called anything other than "plain". A few had been worse than plain. You just love the ladies, plain and simple, and they love you back.

It's always messy whenever they try to make something of it, though. You don't like relationships (it's being tied down that you don't like, actually, and nothing is more restricting than a girlfriend), and more than once you've had to explain to a particularly ardent fan that your tryst was merely a one-night stand and meant nothing. They never took it well, you reflected, absentmindedly rubbing your jaw where the last one had clocked you. She had then run away crying, which bothered you because, really, you'd done nothing wrong. You'd informed her of the nature of your little get-together beforehand, and if she chose to ignore it then that was her _own_ problem.

Still, making girls cry was _so_ not cool.

Well, hopefully these Fairy Tail girls will be less sensitive, you think as you scan the bar room that serves as their guild headquarters for prospects.

You immediately pass over the dark-haired chick currently surrounded by no less than three empty beer kegs and enthusiastically downing the contents of a fourth. Also surrounding her are the unconscious forms of at least six men. Any woman who can drink _that_ many guys under the table at once is a battle ax and thus better left alone, you decide, and move on.

The next one you lay eyes upon is a busty blonde with her hair in two low pigtails and wearing a blue halter-top and a black skirt. She's smiling, and her smile just about lights up the room. She seems nice enough, you think, and start forward.

Out of nowhere, a pink and black blur crashes into her, knocking her off of the stool where she was talking to the bartender. You watch in awe as the sweet smile drops from her face and is replaced by rage and she begins to beat on the pink-haired boy who just slammed into her. He dodges her fists, laughing hysterically, and then grabs her into a hug that pins her arms to her sides, simultaneously lifting her up. She yells some more.

And that's when you see the whip at her belt, and you backpedal immediately. Obviously this girl is some sort of dominatrix, if her whip and knee-high leather boots (and attitude) are any indication, and you refuse to get involved with one of _those_ again.

Instead, you turn your gaze to the bartender.

She's very beautiful, with long white hair and crystal blue eyes that shine merrily as she fills orders at lightning speed. You know who she is - Mirajane Strauss, Fairy Tail's cover girl and public relations. (Also one of _Sorcerer Weekly_'s favorites to show off in pinup spreads, several of which you own.)

You're almost tempted, but then you remember the rumors about how she's regained her former glory as Fairy Tail's Demon and how she'd taken out Blue Pegasus' Jenny Realight in one decisive shot after competing with her in a swimsuit competition that you will never, _ever_ forgive yourself for missing as long as you live.

In other words, not someone you want to get involved with. You have a feeling she'd bring you to your knees in about five seconds flat. Undeterred, you look elsewhere.

You pass over the little girl tugging on the hand of a large, dark-haired man with several piercings, and also the short blue-haired young woman leaning over his shoulder. Together they appear to be trying to force him to get out of his seat and do something for them, and he is valiantly resisting their efforts. He's also fierce-looking enough that you have no wish to interrupt, no matter how cute the older girl is.

Next is the infamous Titania, Erza Scarlet. She's sitting in the midst of the chaos, happily munching on cake and speaking to a man who is wrapped in bandages and dark clothes, scarves obscuring his hair and face. There are several oddly-carved wooden staves strapped to his back. Even though the man gets up and leaves with a quiet word of farewell to her, you know better than to approach. There are too many stories of some poor sap getting a little too friendly with the Titania, and you refuse to be the latest addition to those on the list who got owned by the legendary Queen of the Fairies. No matter _how_ beautiful she is.

Another young woman breezes past, moving with all the grace and elegance of water, and you almost consider grabbing her attention when she promptly leaps upon a young man who is clad in nothing but a pair of boxers. This girl is obviously also better left alone if she's into exhibitionists - you have no plans to start taking off your clothes in public any time soon.

By now you are getting horribly frustrated. None of these girls look safe to approach in the slightest! There are certainly none you'd go for in your right mind, anyway, and you turn to leave in despair. Maybe coming here was a mistake...

"Oof! Oh, I'm so sorry!"

Getting a look at the girl you just crashed into and picking yourself up off the floor, you are most definitely _not_ sorry. (Though you return the apology anyway. The last thing you need is to seem like a creeper.)

"No, no, it was my fault. I was going too fast," you say, smoothly offering a hand to help her up. She takes it and as you pull her to her feet, you get a good look at her.

She's young, perhaps 17 or 18 with short white hair and crystal blue eyes that look up at you with concern. She's not as busty as certain others in the guild (the alcoholic and the blonde dominatrix come to mind), but her hips, good Lord, her hips and legs are _awesome_. And they're perfectly showcased by the short, black tube dress (emblazoned with the Fairy Tail guild symbol on the skirt in white) she's wearing.

Belatedly, you realize she must be related to Mirajane, if the hair and eyes are any indication (along with the sweet smile), and so you hurry to pick up the beer mugs and tray she dropped when you bumped (read: crashed) into her. Why Mirajane's little sister (or whatever their relation) is waitressing is beyond you, but you suppose it makes sense. Mirajane makes the brew, and this girl here serves it up. Awesome! There is no better combination than a hot girl and a mug of beer.

"I am _so_ sorry," she apologizes again as you hand her stuff over to her. She giggles nervously. "First day on the job. I'm still learning."

"It's quite alright," you say. This is perfect! A nice, normal girl! This is apparently something of a rarity in this guild, and you intend to make good use of this gift from the gods themselves. "I didn't hurt you, did I?"

She laughs, waving it off. "Oh, no! I'm a lot tougher than that, don't worry!"

"Still, maybe you should sit down for a while," you say. You're eager to spend some time with her, and this is just too perfect to be true. Or to pass up, as it were. "A few minutes, anyway, you never know if you might actually be hurt...and you should probably get _that_ checked out?" You point to the scrape on her knee from her fall.

She agrees, and you follow her back to the bar and sit down with her, observing the shape of her hips all the while. Nice. _Very_ nice, if the truth be told.

As she carefully cleans the scrape and bandages it, you take the opportunity to talk to her a little bit, get to know her, and she's every bit as sweet as she looks. Her humor is a little biting at times, but it's easily excusable and nothing too bad. You've heard much, _much_ worse from other girls. She tells you her name - Lisanna Strauss, and that she is indeed the younger sister of Mirajane.

Within the span of about two minutes, you're absolutely hooked. She's sweet and funny and beautiful, on top of apparently being an accomplished wizard, something she's rather proud of. You politely ask her to show you a trick, and she obliges by turning first into a bird, then a giant penguin, then a giant rabbit, and finally, wonderfully, into her regular self - albeit with cat ears and tail, and wearing, of all heavenly things, a tiger-striped bikini.

Dear God, you just might be in love.

Lisanna somehow manages to miss your drooling and goes back to normal with one last puff of smoke. You regret that you don't have any kickass magic to impress her with as well.

Really, this girl is freaking perfect. She's everything you've ever dreamed of in a woman, and you would not be adverse to spending some good quality time with her right away. Preferably alone; you always did work your charm best when alone with the object of your affection.

She is now scanning the room for something, glancing at the clock in between eye sweeps and biting her full lower lip. You hurry to reclaim her attention - she's probably thinking about how she has to get back to work and you want to ask her out before she goes. You have a feeling she just might be the best thing that ever happened to you, so this is _not_ a girl you should just let go of.

"Lisanna, I-" you begin, but then she springs to her feet with a loud gasp that sounds _way_ too happy. You follow her line of sight to see that three people have just stepped through the door, coming in out of the cold.

The first is a man wearing a red overcoat and sporting long green hair. A rapier hangs from his belt, and his face is an aloof, austere mask. The second is a rather attractive yet haughty-looking young woman wearing glasses and a green halter-dress. And the third...Lord in heaven! This guy is _weird_, plain and simple, wearing a metal visor over his eyes and his entire body covered up except his hands and the lower part of his face. He looks like a cross between a knight and some sort of circus attraction. Five tiny...objects float around his head and shoulders. He is also freakishly tall, towering over both his companions by a sizable margin. You yourself are a respectable 6'0, but you suspect you'd be dwarf'd if you stood next to this man.

"WE'RE BACK, BABIES!" he shouts in a loud voice that carries to the very back of the room. "Didja miss us?!"

"_Miss us!"_

"_We're back!"_

"_Returned!"_ the five objects floating around him howl, and as he and his two companions advance into the room, you realize that they are little tiki dolls, each with a face showcasing a different expression painted on.

"Welcome back!" Mirajane calls to them happily. The green-haired man is already on his way over to her, a smile on his austere face.

The haughty-looking young woman is quickly claimed by a large man with white hair (another of Mirajane's relations?), and they dissolve into a heated argument in about two seconds flat. By the sound of it, what they're arguing about is masculinity and what it allows people to do, of all things. You roll your eyes and turn back to Lisanna, gesturing at the tall man with the dolls with a sneer on your face. Honestly, how is someone as cute as her in a guild with these weirdoes?

"Freaks, huh?" you ask.

But Lisanna is not listening to you, to your considerable surprise. No, her gaze is fixed on that strange visored man, and it is shockingly happy. Lovesick, even. What-?

"BIXLOW!" she shrieks suddenly, nearly deafening you. You watch with impossibly wide eyes as she bounds towards him and then quite literally leaps into his arms.

He catches her easily and then, horror of horrors, proceeds to press his mouth to hers and give her a very long, deep kiss. She responds with nothing less than exuberant enthusiasm.

You're going to need therapy for a good long while after this.

You sit there in shock for a moment before your brain restarts and you are able to come to a conclusion. Several, actually.

1. Lisanna Strauss is apparently even more insane than all the other Fairy Tail girls combined,

2. on that note, _all_ these chicks are goddamn nuts,

3. you have just been cockblocked by a freak wearing a knight's visor and who is followed around by a bunch of talking dolls,

and 4. that same freak is now looking directly at you.

You know he is, even if his eyes are hidden. You can feel them burning into you even as he listens to Lisanna babble at him happily, still hanging onto her. You are also 100% certain that he knows every single dirty thought that has ever entered your head, especially those relating to the girl you were so sure was your soulmate or something. What a glorious ten minutes that was!

You gulp.

And then the freak _grins_ at you, and his tongue hangs out of his mouth, stamped with his guild's crest in black. Somehow this grin makes him look about 2500 times more terrifying and psychotic, and you waste no time in hauling ass out the door as fast as you freaking can.

Yes, going to Fairy Tail to look for a girl was most definitely a bad idea. You won't be darkening _their_ doorstep again, even if your life depends on it.

* * *

**AN: Bixlow, get the hell out of my Favorite Characters List. ...actually, on second thought, feel free to stay. You make things more interesting.  
**

**Ahem. Yeah, this was just a little project that I started during my break at work today, and just finished now. I write too much of this pairing, except that there is no such thing as too much BiLi, and I'm going to stop now before I go off on a tangent.  
**

**Reviews would be awesome, but please keep all hate (for the pairing or otherwise) to yourself!  
**


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